can you love someone .. but not trust them? isn't trust a prerequisite for love? where do you draw the line between jealousy and mistrust? when is jealousy cute .. and when is it just a pain in the ass?
sensetive issue.. very sensetive. jealousy is a lighter form of being possessive, it ticks u off to c others appreciating/admiring ur better half, and/or ur better half admiring/appreciating other ppl.. which is only fair.
i think if one cant stop thinking of the what ifs (i.e. what if its all an act, what if im being too naive, what if s/he isnt too serious bout me and will flirt with anyone else etc etc..) then there is a prob. mish bil daroura ykun bil partner, might be bil insan nafso.. u cant truly overcome trust issues easily or in a short period of time.. it takes a while
jealousy is cute, but not the overdone type.. there's the teasing jealousy and there is the hardcore no-one-dares-to-look-at-my-girl/man-or-else-i-chop-heads-off type..
From my perspective Mohammed, no you cannot truly love someone you cannot trust. Because to truly love someone you give every ounce of your soul to them. Since man has a fight/flight reflex which automatically controls ones behavior (reflexes) no one in their right human mind would give all they are to someone they do not trust. A part of you will always repel from the distrust. You might THINK you love that person, but what it really is is one's own insecurities begging for attention from a place you know you yourself are holding back. So unwittingly you are playing a game, rather than giving fully of yourself, you are holding back and trying to blame it on the person who is untrustworthy, when ultimately, it is you who is choosing to be with that untrustworthy person in order to avoid giving. I hope that makes sense but that is how I understand it to be.
Love is separate from everything, but can't survive alone. You can definately love without trusting. It's unconditional, but it can't survive on its own, you need the trust, the honesty, the friendship, communication...all that let's you build on the love. Not so sure about the jealousy/mistrust line, it's pretty thin. I would think that jealousy is not trusting others , mistrust is internalizing that jealousy...if that makes sense.
Yes you can. Trust is a prerequisite for a successful relationship and not for love! when your partner frowns upon something you did that's jealousy..but when they start questioning and throwing unfounded accusations then that's mistrust. It's natural to feel jealous when the partner is admired "cute jealousy", it's not natural to try to cover up the partner so he won't be seen "pain in the ass jealousy :P". w bas.
ok well i will answer each of you in a separate reply ..
proud pali .. i agree it is fair and i'll take it a step further it is NORMAL to feel jealous .. but what you said about people admiring/appreciating your better half .. i can take that and twist it around and say why not consider that an ego boost that your partner is so desirable instead of getting jealous.
as for what you said about trust issues .. i agree sometimes it is the person's problem and not the partner's problem .. sometimes a person can have jealousy issues which are their fault and nobody else's .. in which case they should seek help or talk about it with their partner and ask them for their support .. but to keep it bottled up inside is wrong.
the last thing you said .. actually even the hardcore chopping heads type can be cute .. the kind i have a problem with is the going-through-his-messages-on-his-mobile-and-email-inbox type of jealousy.
i agree 100% .. you cannot love someone if you don't trust them .. maybe you are attracted to them or you admire them and you wish they were yours .. but you don't love them. and yes as you said the mistrust will stand as an obstacle in the way of your love for that person.
queenie .. hmmm interesting answer .. as you can see from what i told robin i tend to disagree with your idea .. but after reading your post something came to my mind .. a question .. how do you define love???
as for the second part of your answer .. again i'm afraid i disagree .. you can be jealous but still fully trust the person .. if i see my girl talking and laughing with a male colleague on the phone chances are i will feel jealous .. but i still trust her that there is nothing going on there .. until i have PROOF otherwise .. so the jealousy is normal the mistrust isn't. in other words it's fine if i feel a little jealous in such situations but if i am going to start thinking in "what-if" mode every time she interacts with a male then something is wrong .. with me and with the relationship.
pru .. no you can't :p what you are talking about is not love .. well actually let me ask you the same q i asked queenie .. how do you define love? the rest of your post i agree with :D
How do I define love?? Writers, poets and philosophers have been trying to define love since the dawn of civilization and they still haven't come up with one standard agreed upon definition!! Am i expected to outsmart all these people :p Love is strange..yes strange. It cannot be explained or justified..it's something beyond comprehension and does not abide by our logic..so when you say that you must trust someone before you can love them, you're mistaken. Love is blind..not in the sense that you can't see your lover's faults but in the sense that you turn a blind eye to them!!
Yeah, it's difficult to define love, and it would definately mean different things to different people...My definition of love would include a certain degree of selflessness towards another person. It depends on how you believe love begins too. Some say "first comes love then comes marriage", for others it's the opposite (like with a lot of the older generations). And if it's the latter, then I see why you think trust is a prerequisite for love.
About the jealousy/trust, what I meant to say was that jealousy is not trusting others with your partner. You trust your partner, but you dont trust how others behave around them...and mistrust..is well, distrust
queenie .. interesting answer i won't discuss it because it's not really the subject i was just curious to hear your definition :) i don't know i just don't see how you can say you love someone if you can't say you trust that person .. you need to have A before you can have B you know .. i mean if you can't trust your partner then the question to me would be why are you with them in the first place???
proudpali .. yes i agree .. it is insecurity .. but jealousy and insecurity are not so different .. they are kind of intermeshed i.e. jealousy is often a result of a person's own insecurity.
13 comments:
sensetive issue.. very sensetive. jealousy is a lighter form of being possessive, it ticks u off to c others appreciating/admiring ur better half, and/or ur better half admiring/appreciating other ppl.. which is only fair.
i think if one cant stop thinking of the what ifs (i.e. what if its all an act, what if im being too naive, what if s/he isnt too serious bout me and will flirt with anyone else etc etc..) then there is a prob. mish bil daroura ykun bil partner, might be bil insan nafso.. u cant truly overcome trust issues easily or in a short period of time.. it takes a while
jealousy is cute, but not the overdone type.. there's the teasing jealousy and there is the hardcore no-one-dares-to-look-at-my-girl/man-or-else-i-chop-heads-off type..
ur 2nd Q answers the first mo..
From my perspective Mohammed, no you cannot truly love someone you cannot trust. Because to truly love someone you give every ounce of your soul to them. Since man has a fight/flight reflex which automatically controls ones behavior (reflexes) no one in their right human mind would give all they are to someone they do not trust. A part of you will always repel from the distrust. You might THINK you love that person, but what it really is is one's own insecurities begging for attention from a place you know you yourself are holding back. So unwittingly you are playing a game, rather than giving fully of yourself, you are holding back and trying to blame it on the person who is untrustworthy, when ultimately, it is you who is choosing to be with that untrustworthy person in order to avoid giving. I hope that makes sense but that is how I understand it to be.
Love is separate from everything, but can't survive alone. You can definately love without trusting. It's unconditional, but it can't survive on its own, you need the trust, the honesty, the friendship, communication...all that let's you build on the love.
Not so sure about the jealousy/mistrust line, it's pretty thin. I would think that jealousy is not trusting others , mistrust is internalizing that jealousy...if that makes sense.
Yes you can. Trust is a prerequisite for a successful relationship and not for love!
when your partner frowns upon something you did that's jealousy..but when they start questioning and throwing unfounded accusations then that's mistrust. It's natural to feel jealous when the partner is admired "cute jealousy", it's not natural to try to cover up the partner so he won't be seen "pain in the ass jealousy :P". w bas.
ok well i will answer each of you in a separate reply ..
proud pali .. i agree it is fair and i'll take it a step further it is NORMAL to feel jealous .. but what you said about people admiring/appreciating your better half .. i can take that and twist it around and say why not consider that an ego boost that your partner is so desirable instead of getting jealous.
as for what you said about trust issues .. i agree sometimes it is the person's problem and not the partner's problem .. sometimes a person can have jealousy issues which are their fault and nobody else's .. in which case they should seek help or talk about it with their partner and ask them for their support .. but to keep it bottled up inside is wrong.
the last thing you said .. actually even the hardcore chopping heads type can be cute .. the kind i have a problem with is the going-through-his-messages-on-his-mobile-and-email-inbox type of jealousy.
robin ..
i agree 100% .. you cannot love someone if you don't trust them .. maybe you are attracted to them or you admire them and you wish they were yours .. but you don't love them.
and yes as you said the mistrust will stand as an obstacle in the way of your love for that person.
:)
queenie .. hmmm interesting answer .. as you can see from what i told robin i tend to disagree with your idea .. but after reading your post something came to my mind .. a question .. how do you define love???
as for the second part of your answer .. again i'm afraid i disagree .. you can be jealous but still fully trust the person .. if i see my girl talking and laughing with a male colleague on the phone chances are i will feel jealous .. but i still trust her that there is nothing going on there .. until i have PROOF otherwise .. so the jealousy is normal the mistrust isn't.
in other words it's fine if i feel a little jealous in such situations but if i am going to start thinking in "what-if" mode every time she interacts with a male then something is wrong .. with me and with the relationship.
pru .. no you can't :p
what you are talking about is not love .. well actually let me ask you the same q i asked queenie .. how do you define love?
the rest of your post i agree with :D
How do I define love?? Writers, poets and philosophers have been trying to define love since the dawn of civilization and they still haven't come up with one standard agreed upon definition!! Am i expected to outsmart all these people :p
Love is strange..yes strange. It cannot be explained or justified..it's something beyond comprehension and does not abide by our logic..so when you say that you must trust someone before you can love them, you're mistaken. Love is blind..not in the sense that you can't see your lover's faults but in the sense that you turn a blind eye to them!!
but as i said i don't consider what you are talking about love .. call it a crush, infatuation, lust, whatever you want .. but it's not love.
of course that's just my opinion.
Yeah, it's difficult to define love, and it would definately mean different things to different people...My definition of love would include a certain degree of selflessness towards another person. It depends on how you believe love begins too. Some say "first comes love then comes marriage", for others it's the opposite (like with a lot of the older generations). And if it's the latter, then I see why you think trust is a prerequisite for love.
About the jealousy/trust, what I meant to say was that jealousy is not trusting others with your partner. You trust your partner, but you dont trust how others behave around them...and mistrust..is well, distrust
the go-thru-msgs-on-cells-and-emails are plain insecure m7amad, ma ilha da5al bi jealousy, it crossed the line.
queenie .. interesting answer i won't discuss it because it's not really the subject i was just curious to hear your definition :)
i don't know i just don't see how you can say you love someone if you can't say you trust that person .. you need to have A before you can have B you know .. i mean if you can't trust your partner then the question to me would be why are you with them in the first place???
proudpali .. yes i agree .. it is insecurity .. but jealousy and insecurity are not so different .. they are kind of intermeshed i.e. jealousy is often a result of a person's own insecurity.
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